How Some of Us Feel When People Leave the Church… and Maybe Never Come Back.

I can’t profess to ever having a faith crisis. I definitely had an “I want to sin crisis” and then distanced myself from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for about five years, but my leaving was never due to a lack of belief in the gospel- Which is probably way worse than someone leaving because of a faith based war raging inside of them.

The first time I read Nate Bagley’s article, “WhyPeople Leave the Church and Never Come Back” was about a year ago. I don’t remember it particularly standing out to me, maybe thoughts like, “Yeah, don’t suck as a person, people,” popped into my head, but then I quickly moved on with my life. Then last week my dear friend sent the blog post to me again, inquiring of my thoughts on the matter.  So I read through it a second time more methodically.

And, I ripped it apart. (Now, bear with me.)

First, I dislike extremes. For example, I needed the word SOME in the title. I could fathom the author’s argument if it pertained to some people, but don’t umbrella every person that has left the church into a two-page document. And please don’t tell me that, “When we judge a woman’s capacity as a mother, it makes her feel small and insignificant and like a failure. These women will leave, and they’ll never come back.” Maybe some women will leave and never come back, but I believe many women are stronger than that. And although I concur wholeheartedly that we shouldn’t judge a woman’s capacity as a mother, I also don’t think we can assume that all women’s responses to this judgment are one in the same.

Second, the author uses the word we, like what he’s saying represents me. And some of his “we’s” are from a completely different world than my “we’s.” Not all, but SOME. Of course I don’t think we should shame others or be judgmental, but I also don’t think my concern for others who choose to leave the church is a selfish concern. It’s more of a sad- trying- to- understand –where- they’re- coming- from-concern. Because the thing that I’m most passionate and overjoyed about in the whole world, no longer brings them comfort, solace, or joy. And that’s hard for my heart to comprehend.

And third, I respect our God-given moral agency way too much to let people’s tacky statements be the scapegoat for someone’s decision to stay away from the church. When I returned to church it wasn’t because people were all of a sudden my besties, it was because I knew the church was true. And in that moment, no one’s snide, socially inept remarks or actions could have kept me from it.

  One of my favorite people in the world smells like smoke when she attends church on Sundays. She has a deep gravelly smoker’s voice, has an engineer’s mind, and is as independent as they come. We have long talks about respecting other people’s personal agency, politics, and her time spent living on a boat in CA. We sometimes talk about how she won’t go to church for a couple years, and then she’ll decide it’s time to try it out again, but usually we just chat about life. Because we’re friends. And that’s what friends do.

I have a lesbian cousin who left the church to be with her partner, I have a fabulous friend who left because even after much prayer she still felt like the LDS church wasn’t true, and we have many more family and friends who have departed for various reasons whom we still love and want to be with because love doesn’t go away once you’ve decided to believe a different way than I do.

And I feel like for the most part this is how I truly feel and behave.

But then I remembered an off-handed remark I made to a friend about someone who had left the church about a year ago, “Good luck keeping your family together now.”

 I remembered the words I said to my seven-year-old just last week about a boy we haven’t seen in primary for months, “You need to be especially kind and loving to him. I’m not sure what’s going on in his life, but I want him to feel comfortable coming back to church. Please be a good friend.”

I remembered my pleasure a few months ago at seeing a family’s strong moral compass abounding even after they had left the church because the husband was transitioning to a woman. 

And I thought- 

Wow, I am the person Nate Bagley was talking to. I have made assumptions about people’s new moral code after leaving the church, I have encouraged my children to behave certain ways to encourage others to come to church, and I have assumed the worst would happen to families when they leave the church. I have made some poor judgment calls.

Man, and I thought I was so good.

And as far as agency goes, last night I was reading Alma’s discourse to his son, Corianton, and this scripture hit me hard.

Alma 39:11 – Suffer not yourself to be led away by any vain or foolish thing; suffer not the devil to lead away your heart again… behold, O my son, how great iniquity ye have brought upon the Zoramites; for when they saw your conduct they would not believe in my words.”

Our very conduct may be what’s enabling others not to return to church. Our conduct may be affecting their faith.

So here’s my plea to those who have left the church. Please forgive us if we forget how to act like normal human beings. I think for the most part we'll play it cool, but we (or maybe just some of us J) may be unsure of what to say or how to behave because we’re worried about offending you. Remember, it’s hard for us to fathom you leaving the very thing we love the most. And we’ll remember that it’s hard for you too.

But please, please, don’t distance yourself from us. Let’s chat about whatever you want to chat about and remember that we probably have more in common than we don’t. Let's talk about the elephant in the room if you want. And when we both error and say or assume the wrong things, let’s forgive and start over, not viewing ourselves as Mormon, and ex-Mormon,  but as people who love each other. As Children of God.

And I'll try to keep reminding myself that I'm not as cool as I think I am. 

Dang.

Or Damn.

Because even some in the church swear too. 

Usually not me. That's mostly my very active church going sister, Shannon. But once in awhile...