"We're Friendly, but We're Not Friends."

"Jesus said love everyone; treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you."

I feel like this song is my inner anthem. I genuinely enjoy most people. To discover an individuals unique blueprint like what makes them tick, what makes them sad, and what makes them glad is a journey that fills my heart. I love people.

I just struggle with one tiny problem: 

Before that journey begins, I want nothing to do with it. 

How can I love everyone and treat them kindly too when I don't want to get to know them in the first place?

That investment of time sucks energy away from my spirited yet introvert soul.  I leave most social encounters drained and then wait for the guaranteed vulnerability hangover to set in. I begin to worry about if I offended someone, if others felt included, if I talked too much, if, if, if, if...... and then decide that if I would have stayed home I wouldn't be suffering from this ridiculous, mind riddling anxiety.   

Loving others. Becoming Friends. Takes work.

And sometimes I'm too selfish for that. 

The other night we went out to dinner at Chuck-a-rama  (and hey, don't dog on Chuck-a-rama. It's a child's heaven. Unlimited slushies, hot chocolate, ice cream, brownies, pizza - we're all about paying for that dose of unhealthy) and as Lou was piling up his plate with wonderful delectables he recognized an old friend from Kindergarten. He ran to my side and said, "Mom, I think I just saw Zoey. Should I say something?" I told him it was his choice. He sat back down at the other end of the table and  his request basically vanished from my mind. A little while later he approached me and asked, "Will you come with me to make sure it's her?" I obliged and a few minutes later he had reintroduced himself to her. Zoey kind of acted like she remembered him, I said hi to the mom, it was awkward, and then we sat back down. I turned to Lou and said, "Well, that was awkward." To which he replied, "Yes, but I'm so glad we did it. Now I don't have to worry about whether or not I should have said hi. I did my part."

He did his part. 

Wow.

Not for himself, but for Zoey. 

Lou wanted her to feel recognized and loved. 

I realized this boy I'm raising is not a person who will hide from people he recognizes in the grocery store like his mother does. (Please say you do that too.) This is a boy who is willing to love no matter how awkward or how much anxiety he feels before or after. 

Recently I attended a Time Out for Women where author,  Zandra Vranes, said these words regarding sisters in the LDS church, "We're friendly, but we're not friends." And I knew this woman was talking to me. I get an A+ at friendly, but I'm lousy at seeking out friendships. Not gonna lie, once we are friends I'm pretty amazing ;) but it takes me awhile to get there. 

The evening before Zandra's remarks I had watched her and her friend Tamu sway their arms in the air as they soaked in the music from the band, City of Enoch. I loved them from a distance and thought, "I want to be their friend." The next day Zandra, an African American woman, shared how she felt alone in her mostly white ward (not verbatim). She didn't blame her fellow sisters though, she blamed herself. She said she was inauthentic. She was friendly, but not seeking out friends. She was me. And then she went on to say that the way to remedy this is love. Our motive must be love. That same motive that drove Lou to say hi to Zoey. This idea is not complicated, yet, "because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there are many who perish." Now, I'm not saying you're going to die. You're not. Well you are, but I'm not sure when and it has nothing to do with this message. What I do believe though is there's a part of us that perishes when we're unwilling to love. We forfeit a part that may have been filled with the joy of loving another, serving another, feeling empathy for another, defending another, laughing with another, or being blessed by another. 

Can I just tell you this is why I love being a visiting teacher? Being a visiting teacher makes me love and pushes me out of my comfort zone. Many eternal friendships have formed because of the women I've been blessed to visit teach.

About a month ago I went out to lunch with two dear friends, my old visiting teaching partner and a woman we visit taught. I call them, "My Cindys". I grew up with their children and one used to be my young women's leader. On paper it may appear that our lives are too different to be close friends, but "on paper" things are lame and that's not how the Lord works. I love them immensely.

I have two gems that I visit teach now. Their situations in life couldn't be more opposite from one another or from me, but they are incredible. Damahr and Emily. Both of their eyes shine with goodness and light. We are friends. True friends - who were brought together through visiting teaching. 

It's that simple. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the easiness of the way distracts us.

And if you hate visiting teaching I'm sorry if you're throwing up right now, but it's blessed my life. Heavenly Father knows Cammy needs friends. And that sometimes Cammy is selfish and won't get out of her comfort zone unless she's called to do so. He knows that she's super friendly, but unfortunately sometimes she's not ready to be a friend. He also knows she's ready to be done speaking in the third person. 

I want to be more like Lou. I want my motive to always be love. I don't only want to be friendly, I want to be a friend. And maybe that begins with visiting teaching? But one day I want the words to the song: "Jesus said love everyone; treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you," to not only feel like my personal anthem but to become my reality as well. 

P.S. Click here if you're super confused about what visiting teaching is. ;)

Zandra and Tamu