Vulnerability Hangover

First of all - Let's just get this out of the way -

In my brain the word vulnerable must be said in a Russian accent.

Seriously.

Try it.

VULLLNERRRABLLLE.

You like it don't you?

:)

I don't usually suffer from "in the moment" vulnerability.

It's the onslaught of the vulnerability hangover coming to visit after the moment is over that I suffer from.

Examples -

I love teaching. I enjoy speaking in church. I am confident while doing so...

but after a few hours go by the worry floods in.

Did I provide correct information? Was I preaching or teaching? Gosh, I hope I didn't offend anybody.

And most often this one appears - 

Maybe people just view me as a silly little blond girl with a lack of experience and education who has too many opinions?

Wow huh? :)

There's Satan working at his finest - thrusting the vulnerability hungover upon me.

And I fall for it. Almost everytime.

The next example -

being social. Grrrrrr.

This one's a killer.

Here's the truth.

I like you.

I want you to know it.

Few people bother me so I think we can just all be friends.

So we're friends -

we hang out.

Have a good time.

Go home.

Guess who comes to visit my mind?  Aghhh -Not again.

Did I say anything offensive?

I shared way too much about myself.

I shouldn't be so crude. - that doesn't represent me well.

Was I nice and did I include everyone?

Am I too happy? Maybe too negative?

Oh - for the love.

So, then The Beloved asks me if I had a good time and I almost always say this,

"It was fun but it's so much easier to just stay at home with you and the kids."

Why?

Because it's comfortable.

I know they love me - I love them - and there's no worry.

I don't have to wonder if they really like me. Don't have to guess what they're thinking. I know their communication styles, roles, and most of all -

it's easy.

Welcome the sweet peace.

So for the next 3 months girl time is the last thing from my mind. No post-anxiety to deal with-

and I can just get lost in my glorious day to day.

Until the 4th month hits and I break down to my spouse that I don't have many friends. I ask him if it's them or me and then he sits me down for our quarterly therapy session. :)

Our last session resulted in this selfish discovery -

I want to be liked.

I want my friends to know they rock!

(because I really feel they do)

I want to be invited...

 

so I can decline your invitation yet still feel included by it.

 

All to avoid the  -

vulnerability hangover.

Counseling may be needed by friends. :)

Here's the problem.

While I'm being consumed by worry and selfishness I overlook the fact that people do need me.

My friends need me.

Friends who I've felt prompted to call or text but avoided to do so because I didn't want to be annoying or stalker-ish... or dare I say,

vulnerable.

I found out about a few trials some of my friends are going through recently. It breaks my heart to see these strong, valiant, amazing women struggle.

They could have used a phone call earlier.

So all friends be prepared,

I probably am going to contact you.

I don't care (well I do but I'm going to pretend like I don't) if you think I'm annoying or over the top.

The Beloved's most recent therapy tip keeps playing around in my mind.

"When questioning about whether or not to call a friend or invite them to do something, don't over think it.

Just respond as you would like a friend to. I'ts okay to give them the opportunity to say no or yes.Would you want to be invited? Would you like a call? The answer is usually yes."

Boys are smart. :)

The vulnerability hangover is unfortunately part of life -

Satan's powerfully, smart, tricky way of encouraging us to think we're not good enough.

It helps us avoid developing our talents and blessing the lives of others.

SO - here's my coping mechanism -

If I feel unsure... insecure.... nervous...

I'm going to repeat -

I can handle the vulnerability hangover -

over and over again in my head -

in a Russian accent.

I know it will be empowering.

Genius.

:)

 

 P.S. Mom and Sisters - I am just venting. I am happy, content and in no way suffering from depression. In social situations I get anxiety a bit afterwards but mostly because I am lazy in the friend department. It is a lot of work and my brain is t.i.r.e.d.
Plus I really enjoy accents and the more opportunities I get to use them the happier I'll be. :)