Labelled as Innocent. I love it.

I remember being at a friend's house where an acquaintance was about to tell a story, but then paused, concluding, "Never mind, I wouldn't want to shock your innocent self with my worldly tales." 
I smothered my burst of laughter and replied, "Thank you." I couldn't believe it. He had labelled me as innocent. And in that moment I thought it was freaking fantastic.
It was far better than some of the other labels I'd been given in the past, but just as fictional. A title quickly given to a story never read. Never known.
A few months back I had the honor of attending a temple sealing. I can still hear the sealer's wise advice, "Don't hold on to the records of the past." 
Forgive one another. 
Forgive yourself.  
The second one is hard for me. 
The consequences of leaving the path are unpredictable.  And for me, it was drama mama. No thank you. 
But, the consequences of returning to the path and staying on the path are extraordinary.
I see people I love contemplating leaving the church. I had one friend ask me why I had changed, why had I come back? Was it because it was familiar? And the only answer inside of me was, "No, it's because it's true." 
I was born with a testimony that I cannot deny. Heavenly Father is very aware of me, of you, but so is Satan.
Please don't give him the time of day. He's lame.
In the words of President Thomas S. Monson, "My dear associates in the work of the Lord, I implore each of us to prayerfully study and ponder the Book of Mormon each day.As we do so, we will be in a position to hear the voice of the Spirit, to resist temptation, to overcome doubt and fear, and to receive heaven's help in our lives." I love the Book of Mormon. It is home to me. In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how reading the scriptures will become a choice time in my life, where I can set aside the things of the world and grow spiritually. That studying the scriptures will be a time I look forward to... and I thought, yeah, maybe when I'm eighty. How naive I was. I cannot express to you how much I love this book. How the spirit enlightens me as I read its verses and what gratitude I have for the men who kept this record safe and for the man who translated it. 
Sometimes it's hard to be peculiar. To some the gospel may feel like more of a burden than a blessing. 
But, to me, it is a blessing. And I know that to you, it can become one. I know this not because I'm the stereotypical stay at home Mormon mom with six kids whose life may appear perfect, but because I follow the One who is perfect.   

Happy 6th Birthday Moo!

Hey Sushi Lover,
Happy sixth birthday... many, many months ago! You act older than six and I am constantly forgetting that you're not seven. Sometimes I ask you, "How old are you, Moo? Six or seven?" And I feel so relieved when you reply six because you're my littlest little boy and I need you to stay tiny for just awhile longer. 
For your birthday date Dad and I took you to our favorite Thai restaurant in Boise, Sa Wad Dee. You scarfed down your sushi like a champ and you managing those chopsticks was pretty adorable. Afterward, our server brought you a very flattering hat to adorn while you blew out the candle on your Thai dessert. But one dessert wasn't enough. You then talked us into taking you to our beloved frozen yogurt joint, Yogurtz Grill. You chatted our ears off  the whole time and we relished in the moment.We asked you some questions and here's how you responded:
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? 
A: An artist, a ninja, a rock star, a chef, and an astronaut. (Your thing lately has been cooking. You love to help with anything happening in the kitchen, except dishes.)
Q: What college do you want to go to?
A: BSU
Q: Where do you want to serve your mission?
A: Idaho
Q: Where do you want to live when you get married?
A: Near you.
Q: How many kids do you want?
A: Enough to fill up two buses. 
Q: What do you like to do?
A: Spend time with my whole family.
Ah, great answers buddy. Good luck with the filling up the two buses thing. Maybe don't let your future wife read this first.  
We had a little birthday party for you at home with the fam and Buckabu and Papa. You were fine with the simplicity of it. Often times when I ask your opinion about things you say, "I don't really care. You choose." You responded this way when questioned about which birthday cake you wanted and which  meal you'd like for your birthday dinner. You want me to do what's easiest for me which is a tender trait, but I pushed you to choose your own birthday menu.
This laid back attitude reflected in your desire to conquer your letters and learn how to read. You just didn't care. Your Vice Principal called me in to chat about things we could do at home to help you progress and I mostly listened. I knew my boy was bright but didn't learn the way they were teaching. I also knew that when you were ready to start reading you would. And you may not have loved letters but you loved to draw. A few times a week we would talk about a letter and then you would choose an animal to draw that started with that letter. You created a picture book from A-Z that was filled with your animal artwork. We then invented a little song to go along with every page. I was so proud of you and guess what? You learned your ABC's and you performed your song for your whole Kindergarten class. Lou turned the pages of the book for you as Ruckus sang along to every word. You had amazing support from your siblings. They love you very much. Your teacher e-mailed me afterward saying she'd never seen anything like it in all her teaching years. I was so proud of you. Just last week I went to your first grade parent teacher conference and your teacher informed me you were excelling at reading and writing and... really everything. She also said you are so kind and inclusive to all the kids in your class which made me the most proud. You are a good seed.
Moo, I love you enormously. You love to make people laugh (maybe a little too much - Dad and I are your primary teachers and you're constantly cracking up the class. Stop it.) and make them feel important. People watch you and follow your example. You have a strong presence. Remember to take care of that gift and use it for good. I know you will.
Thanks for being mine,
Mom

Dad giving you a foot rub after your party. 

Moo's ABC SONG

Christmas

The Lord's Design

Moving to Utah- Martin Harris

9/7/17 Nephi building the ship

Pleasing God and not man

*Turns out better when working with Deity

* Harder consequences when trying to please man over God Acts 12:2-3  8/25

*Don't be the affliction

Happy 8th Birthday! Many Moons Ago.

Wearing the towel you begged for, for your birthday. :)

Dear Ruckus,

Eight is great! And you make one fantastic eight year old! Your day started out with birthday waffles and opening one present (an alligator towel-robe) before you left for school. You can be seen modeling your birthday attire above. So cute.

In the middle of the day I picked you up from school so you could have two teeth pulled. Yikes. Not a fun way to spend your birthday, but you were a trooper. Plus the roots on those teeth were very impressive! 

You attended scouts for the first time on the evening of your birthday. Papa sent you off in style with all the proper scouting gear. We had a quick little party before your departure with Buckabu and Papa, and we made sure to fit in time to test out the cool remote control car that drives on the wall from Grandma and Grandpa. 

Dad was travelling on your birthday so we took you shopping and out to dinner the night before. You picked out those red jogger pants and the shirt you're wearing in these pictures.  You're all about the jogger pants. If jeans are even mentioned as an option you're not thrilled. And that's putting it mildly my little friend. You love to be comfortable and I support that. I'm all about the comfort too. 

On our parent/son date you requested to go to Texas Roadhouse because steak is your fave. Again, a boy after my own heart. Being carnivores in our sweats is my kind of party. 

You've recently discovered your love for country music. Dad and I attended a Garth Brooks concert last month and in preparation for that I decided to put in some old country cds. I of course started out with the legend himself, but then moved on to Tim McGraw. When "Don't Take the Girl" came on you were captivated. Your mind took you somewhere far away - to that place where music touches the soul. I remember feeling that same way the first time I heard it. We've been bonding over country music ever since (much to Lou's dismay who wasn't captivated in the least).

Last year in school you were put in a special art class for the gifted and talented. You love to create and can spend hours doing it. The other day you mentioned how you wanted to speak up in class about something but you were in the middle of an art project and you said, "Mom, you know how I get when I do art. I'm sucked in." You really are talented and it's fun to watch you listen intently as Dad teaches you a few tricks of the trade.

You've born your testimony three times since you've turned eight which is a brave, big deal. Each time you've carefully written down what you're going to say and then have boldly declared it over the pulpit. Afterward, when you're returning to you seat, your big, bright smile touches both of your ears...and almost your eyes. We love hearing about what you know and believe. Never be afraid to believe in what you know, and never stop declaring it. 

We went on a tour of the Meridian temple recently and you held Sweetrotten's hand the whole time, carefully guiding her through. You are a loving older brother to your little sisters, and I can tell you're going to be an excellent father one day.

You are a cuddle bug and I love that you'll still hold my hand and sit on my lap. Your school has a Parent/Subway day during lunch once in awhile and the last time I attended this with you, you sat on my lap the whole time, content to be with your mom. It made me feel good. I love you buddy.

You are super bright and are still my secret learner. I'm continuously impressed by how much you soak in and by your recall of information. What a great mind you've been blessed with.

Take care of that mind. Put only the best things in it. Use it to bless people's lives and do good. 

You're a choice blessing in my life sweet Ruckus. 

Much Love,

Mom

Birthday breakfast waffles.

See the car on the wall?

Little C is the birthday entertainment.

Hugging Papa.

Buckabu interpreting her cursive.

Ready for scouts.

With gauze in his mouth.

Texas Roadhouse dinner.

"We're Friendly, but We're Not Friends."

"Jesus said love everyone; treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you."

I feel like this song is my inner anthem. I genuinely enjoy most people. To discover an individuals unique blueprint like what makes them tick, what makes them sad, and what makes them glad is a journey that fills my heart. I love people.

I just struggle with one tiny problem: 

Before that journey begins, I want nothing to do with it. 

How can I love everyone and treat them kindly too when I don't want to get to know them in the first place?

That investment of time sucks energy away from my spirited yet introvert soul.  I leave most social encounters drained and then wait for the guaranteed vulnerability hangover to set in. I begin to worry about if I offended someone, if others felt included, if I talked too much, if, if, if, if...... and then decide that if I would have stayed home I wouldn't be suffering from this ridiculous, mind riddling anxiety.   

Loving others. Becoming Friends. Takes work.

And sometimes I'm too selfish for that. 

The other night we went out to dinner at Chuck-a-rama  (and hey, don't dog on Chuck-a-rama. It's a child's heaven. Unlimited slushies, hot chocolate, ice cream, brownies, pizza - we're all about paying for that dose of unhealthy) and as Lou was piling up his plate with wonderful delectables he recognized an old friend from Kindergarten. He ran to my side and said, "Mom, I think I just saw Zoey. Should I say something?" I told him it was his choice. He sat back down at the other end of the table and  his request basically vanished from my mind. A little while later he approached me and asked, "Will you come with me to make sure it's her?" I obliged and a few minutes later he had reintroduced himself to her. Zoey kind of acted like she remembered him, I said hi to the mom, it was awkward, and then we sat back down. I turned to Lou and said, "Well, that was awkward." To which he replied, "Yes, but I'm so glad we did it. Now I don't have to worry about whether or not I should have said hi. I did my part."

He did his part. 

Wow.

Not for himself, but for Zoey. 

Lou wanted her to feel recognized and loved. 

I realized this boy I'm raising is not a person who will hide from people he recognizes in the grocery store like his mother does. (Please say you do that too.) This is a boy who is willing to love no matter how awkward or how much anxiety he feels before or after. 

Recently I attended a Time Out for Women where author,  Zandra Vranes, said these words regarding sisters in the LDS church, "We're friendly, but we're not friends." And I knew this woman was talking to me. I get an A+ at friendly, but I'm lousy at seeking out friendships. Not gonna lie, once we are friends I'm pretty amazing ;) but it takes me awhile to get there. 

The evening before Zandra's remarks I had watched her and her friend Tamu sway their arms in the air as they soaked in the music from the band, City of Enoch. I loved them from a distance and thought, "I want to be their friend." The next day Zandra, an African American woman, shared how she felt alone in her mostly white ward (not verbatim). She didn't blame her fellow sisters though, she blamed herself. She said she was inauthentic. She was friendly, but not seeking out friends. She was me. And then she went on to say that the way to remedy this is love. Our motive must be love. That same motive that drove Lou to say hi to Zoey. This idea is not complicated, yet, "because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there are many who perish." Now, I'm not saying you're going to die. You're not. Well you are, but I'm not sure when and it has nothing to do with this message. What I do believe though is there's a part of us that perishes when we're unwilling to love. We forfeit a part that may have been filled with the joy of loving another, serving another, feeling empathy for another, defending another, laughing with another, or being blessed by another. 

Can I just tell you this is why I love being a visiting teacher? Being a visiting teacher makes me love and pushes me out of my comfort zone. Many eternal friendships have formed because of the women I've been blessed to visit teach.

About a month ago I went out to lunch with two dear friends, my old visiting teaching partner and a woman we visit taught. I call them, "My Cindys". I grew up with their children and one used to be my young women's leader. On paper it may appear that our lives are too different to be close friends, but "on paper" things are lame and that's not how the Lord works. I love them immensely.

I have two gems that I visit teach now. Their situations in life couldn't be more opposite from one another or from me, but they are incredible. Damahr and Emily. Both of their eyes shine with goodness and light. We are friends. True friends - who were brought together through visiting teaching. 

It's that simple. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the easiness of the way distracts us.

And if you hate visiting teaching I'm sorry if you're throwing up right now, but it's blessed my life. Heavenly Father knows Cammy needs friends. And that sometimes Cammy is selfish and won't get out of her comfort zone unless she's called to do so. He knows that she's super friendly, but unfortunately sometimes she's not ready to be a friend. He also knows she's ready to be done speaking in the third person. 

I want to be more like Lou. I want my motive to always be love. I don't only want to be friendly, I want to be a friend. And maybe that begins with visiting teaching? But one day I want the words to the song: "Jesus said love everyone; treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you," to not only feel like my personal anthem but to become my reality as well. 

P.S. Click here if you're super confused about what visiting teaching is. ;)

Zandra and Tamu

Representing the Savior

Sweet Ruckus,

Hey buddy! Look how great you look all dressed in white! This was a big day, a day you took very seriously. It may be surprising to some that you're a contemplative guy. Dad and I have called you our "secret learner" since you were a toddler because to the outside world you're Mr. Social Busy Body, but on the inside you're absorbing everything. That great brain of yours is constantly filing away mounds of information. Weeks before your baptism took place we took a few times as a family to discuss the baptismal covenant and the gift of the Holy Ghost. Your big, searching eyes soaked it all in. You're just the coolest.

As your mother I want you to know that I have experienced the blessings that come from taking upon myself the name of Jesus Christ. I cannot express how much I love Him. And the Holy Ghost?! Freaking amazing. A few months back during my Relief Society class the teacher asked, "What words come to mind when thinking of the Holy Ghost?" And my exact thoughts were, "Freaking amazing." I didn't share those thoughts. Probably I need to come up with a more reverent declaration, but I know that He is real. He is a true gift that is readily available as long as we receive Him by remaining worthy. I know you'll do this. And if once in awhile you forget I have no doubt you'll soon remember.

We spent your baptismal day surrounded by those we love. And let's talk about how many "greats" you had there! Three great grandparents, one great aunt, and two great uncles - Great Grandpa Andrus and Great Grandma Andrus, Little Grandpa, Great Aunt Shawna, Great Uncle Kerry, and Great Uncle Kelly. What valiant dedication they have toward their family. Aunt Shanny's family, Aunt Angie's family, Aunt Ruth's family, the Andrus fam, and all four of your grandparents also cheered you on. Plus, don't forget your own personal clan. My, how you are loved. Remember to always look toward these righteous examples. They have your back.

After your baptism we went back to our house and had a little program in the backyard. Grandpa and Grandma Patton spoke to you about the Holy Ghost and presented you with a Build-a-bear to help you remember Him. Buckabu and Papa bore their testimonies and taught you a little more about baptism. Dad and I also took a moment to share our love for the gospel and for you. 

We then ate food, played Red Rover, and danced around in the backyard. It was perfect. You were happy.

I love you my tender Ruckus. Stay good. You've got this.

Love,

Mom

Little C and Moo will love these pictures later on in life. :)

Love you.